5 Traits You Must Have To Cook The Perfect Nigerian Jollof Rice.

They say Jollof rice is for the Senegalese…Did you hear that? Mba! all I hear is crickets!…Abeg, since when?! Then you have to see the Ghanaians and how they now want to join body like gummy gummy jollof rice and say they invented it too. The most annoying thing is when Liberians want to now talk inside…People are talking, una sef wan join mouth. How many pots of gummy gummy jollof do you have to make to understand that you should stick to your light soup? abeg no vex. Na question I ask. You don’t have to answer it sha 😛

*To cook the perfect Jollof, you have to be a Nigerian:

1)You have to be like Linda Ikeji. The color of your rice has to be screaming “look at me, see how red I am…notice me o; or I die!” The color of your rice must carry designer bag and nack designer shoe. It must be the reddest and show itself on a leaf or in a Gucci bowl like Linda Ikeji shows herself in a mansion in banana island.

2)Cooking Jollof rice entails steaming with a little water. And to get that perfect water content, you must posses the spirit of wickedness. You must be wicked like the Nigerian economy. Be stingy with your water like Oga Buhari is stingy with oil money…Sai Baba! That kind of wickedness that makes you let your enemies rot in hell instead of sharing your water if asked. This makes the rice stand apart like the Nigerian Naira. it has to stand one one in the pot(it’s a must!!!!)…Don’t come and cook Llojof abi Jolomi for us to eat.

3) To cook the perfect Jollof, your spices must be sweet like them Apc lies. Have you heard Lai Mohammed speak before? Unemployed youths, remember your 5k? That’s all I have to say 🙂

4)When frying your tomatoes, you must remember how fried your edges were with relaxer before you now joined natural hair gang. Those days when your mother took you to get a perm and your hair came out looking like fried oyel? You must let that tomato done! Cook it like your hair cooks with the relaxer. The tomato must die and resurrect! Natural fire!

5)Lastly! You must never be wasteful with the rice…Not in these times of Buharific economy…scrape that bottom pot and eat it like you just trekked the Sahara! Unless you want God to punish you 😛

If you can’t cook Jollof, feel free to eat it in the dream. And if you must eat it in the dream, make sure it’s Nigerian Jollof. Don’t go and eat Senegalese or Ghanian Jollof o. Eat Nigerian jollof, Make them know say you chop something!

Last last, na palm oil Jollof sure pass 🙂


  1. Omalicha says:

    Your ode to Nigerian Jollof is on point. Lazy or not you a one amazing cook and woman. You seem to celebrate and embrace our culture effortlessly and it is to be admired. Continue doing a great job, your awesome!!!

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